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<<audio "pageturn" play>>
I read somewhere the other day that it's important to keep doing something even when you don't feel like doing anything.
[[Monday 1st October]]<<audio "pageturn" play>>
This semi-autobiographical story is inspired by the [[journal entries]] I have written during my first month on antidepressants and my experience with [[anxiety and depression]].
[[>|Chemical Formula]]<<audio "pageturn" play>>
C20H21FN2O is the chemical formula of [[Citalopram|How does Citalopram work]], a Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor (SSRI) which helps make more serotonin available in your brain. I started assuming a low dose of this commonly used antidepressant in [[October 2018]]. <<audio "pageturn" play>>
Some entries are entirely transcribed as they were written, others are spliced or [[edited|Why I'm retaining info]]. This was done not to prettify my writing but to make the reading easier to follow. Overall, I have tried to mainatain a logical narrative by linking events — going back and forth through pages of the journal — to give the reader an unhindered overview of my life over the course of the past few months.
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I suffer — if that's the right word to use — from generalised anxiety and depression. During the past four to six months these mental disorders have started to [[affect my life significantly|Preface]]. <<audio "pageturn" play>>
Some of the entries in my journal contain very personal information I and the people I write about are not entirely comfortable with sharing. For this reason, all the names in this story have been altered to maintain discretion.
[[<|Preface]]
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Serotonin is a natural body chemical, a neurotransmitter involved in regulating emotions and behaviour, among other things. A deficiency in serotonin released from nerve cells in the brain can result in mood disorders, such as anxiety or depression.
Citalopram works by stopping the serotonin that has been released from being reabsorbed back into the nerve cells in the brain. This helps to lighten the mood and relieve symptoms of depression and anxiety.
Antidepressants can, however, make you feel extremely tired, slow, and sleepy — they sedate your inner worries but also most of your forces.
[[<|Chemical Formula]]<<audio "pageturn" play>>
<span class="image">[img[Art1|../C20H21FN2O/image/journal_artworks/Black Journal_Page_03.jpg][for myself 2]]</span><<audio "pageturn" play>>
Tuesday 2nd October
I am sat on the rooftop of my University building. It's nice here.
...Maybe I've found the drive to make stuff again. And have a kind of direction for what I want to create...It's a good start.
[[Wednesday 3rd October]]<<audio "pageturn" play>>
Wednesday 3rd October
[[Yesterday|Tuesday 2nd October]] was bad. Well, initially it wasn't — half of the day went [well]. As I realised the amount of work I'd have to do: the impending doom. I felt overwhelmed, then anxious that I could not get everything done on time...then I felt awful. Plus, I was having a headache.
...It's like watching myself but being unable to [[stop thinking|Wednesday 3rd October 2]]. Maybe I need medication — I'm not against it.
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Thursday 4th October
I am sat by the Cutty Sark [by these small elevated gardens with] these weird, but nice, plants...Someone's filming London submerged by the fog.
...I need to find real space for myself. Not that I'm [[staying-home-but-I'm-still-doing-a-thousand-things|Wednesday 3rd October]] type of space...I'm having to take deep breaths.
[[>|Cutty Sark View]] <<audio "pageturn" play>>
Monday 8th October
Sleep wasn't great tonight. I kept thinking, you know — when your brain can't stop thinking. For hours and hours. And if eventually [your brain] lets you go sleep, you keep thinking in your dreams. It's tiring.
...I'm in Walthamstow. It's a Monday. Going to work today for a couple of hours. I'm thinking of leaving next week. I have to — it'll be good [for me].
[[>|Monday 8th October 2]]<<audio "pageturn" play>>
Thursday 11th October
On my bed, knackered for real this time...I went to the gym today.
Exercise really helps — at least while doing it I feel good, relaxed. It's been months I haven't been exercising regularly.
[[>|Thursday 11th October 2]]
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I know that talking really helps me, [but] I don't have ==anyone== [many people] to talk to — or that really want to listen...But I have A. He genuinely wants to listen.
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I stayed home today. I told my boss I wasn't feeling good.
[[Thursday 4th October]]<<audio "pageturn" play>>
...I'm signing up to the gym today. I'll start [[sometime this week|Thursday 11th October]].<<audio "pageturn" play>>
I'm trying to get ahead with University homework. I know it will help ease the stress once it's assignment period...So I'm working bit by bit right now. But bits accumulate, different ones of them.
...Maybe this journal is becoming my invisible therapist.
-
A. left yesterday, I won't see him for more than a week. I'm getting used to waiting — I've begun to see the positive side of it.
[[Friday 12th October]]<<audio "pageturn" play>>
Friday 12th October
Currently in a gallery. I'm invigilating the space for a day. It's a great opportunity — unfortunately, no visitors yet.
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Going to an exhibition opening tonight. G. will be there
[[Monday 15th October]]<<audio "pageturn" play>>
Monday 15th October
I'm in a cafe just round the corner from University...I just felt like having a good tea.
...I have an interview in about an hour. It'll go alright. [Though] I'm getting stressed over little things when I shouldn't. My mind is busy and I can't focus.
[[Wednesday 17th October]]<<audio "pageturn" play>>
Wednesday 17th October
I'm so tired I had to force myself to write an entry today. I'm feeling weird — ==very== [too] thoughtful, especially about my relationship with A.
Life hasn't been going the way I planned it for the past 22 years. Maybe I planned too much when I shouldn't have. Or maybe it's how it's supposed to be anyway.
-
And I feel alone...And when someone offers to help I sometimes don't know how to take [it].
I feel like sometimes I don't deserve nice things in life— but [[I do|Wednesday 17th October 2]].
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I need to prioritise, and leave space to A., and love my friends, and listen to them, and listen to my family when I talk to them.
I wish I could be aware, [[just that|Monday 22nd October]].<<audio "pageturn" play>>
Monday 22nd October
It's 22:27 [and] I'm in bed listening to a weird podcast about fixing things that are fine. Today was a struggle — I felt hopeless. A. left and I started feeling lonely again...I thought for a minute my life wasn't worth the effort.
Now I feel much better.
...I need to set myself time [during which] I focus on [just] a few things.
[[>|Monday 22nd October 2]]<<audio "pageturn" play>>
When I felt bad today I couldn't stop my mind jumping to conclusions about my relationship with A. And I couldn't stop thinking about having to talk to my manager.
...When I felt bad today, I couldn't stop thinking about thinking.
[[>|Nude sketch]]<<audio "pageturn" play>>
Thursday 25th October
I started antidepressants two days ago. I felt [strange] for a bit yesterday: slow in the mind but active as usual in the body. Not that I'm ever particularly reactive in my thinking. But yesterday I felt like time was passing in slow-motion. But [I'm] always me — Fran.
-
Also, I booked an appointment with the counsellor again because I really need to talk to a specialist.
[[>|Tripoli Cancelled Sketch]]<<audio "pageturn" play>>
I wrote a very long message to A. yesterday.
...And I find comfort in being with A., from cuddling in bed to going places together. It's the best therapy...
Why am I scrutinizing the other person in search of their approval? If I want to feel comfortable in a relationship I need to feel comfortable in my own skin first. And my skin is weird — at times is very tough, others very sensible, others invisible.
I've been staring at [[the void|Friday 26th October]] for at least three minutes trying to solve problems that are not problems and don't need to be solved. <<audio "pageturn" play>>
Friday 26th October
I feel particularly tired today.
...I felt almost the same last night before going to bed. But as soon as I tried to sleep — insomnia. It lasted about an hour or so, I guess — then I slept fine. Guess I need to wait a bit to see any benefit of this Citalopram.
-
I'm listening to Ryuichi Sakamoto. Tomorrow is work at the lab. I've got four more shits left [and then] I'm 100% into the new job. I'm kind of excited, but not in a visible way — I'm still suffering underneath.
[[Monday 29th October]]
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...I feel decently motivated to get stuff done [today]...
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I'm sitting on the bed writing this [and] listening to Frank Ocean.
[[>|Monday 29th October 2]]
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It's been a good day at work and I've been feeling well. I'm missing A. a lot tonight — I really do.
...Antidepressants are starting to work. At least it seems like I'm starting to feel [less] worried than I used to. And definitely don't feel [as] overwhelmed.
[[>|Lines Sketch]]<<audio "pageturn" play>>
[I feel] like my mind is clearly doing stuff, thinking about a bunch of things...but when I try to focus it all comes out ==blurred== [confusing]. I definitely feel less overwhelmed than I did two weeks ago. I've started planning and prioritising...
Yesterday M. told me she's feeling [bad] too — just like me, maybe even worse. I've told her [[it gets better|Wednesday 31st October]].<<audio "pageturn" play>>
Going to Margate with A. at the moment. I am so much happier today...
Meditation is helping but I find difficult to [practice] every day. But I have to, especially if I want to keep feeling better after the [treatment].
[[>|Last Sketch]]<<audio "pageturn" play>>
Monday 1st October
...It feels like I've often written for other people. I've always written for other people. I mean, never for myself. Sure, I take notes at University, but that's still something I mostly transcribe from what tutors say or what's on the screen in class.
This is [[for myself]].
I've been longing to do this.
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This journal doesn't end here. I am still writing entries on it and filling pages with sketches and ideas. It is an ongoing project and one which I'd love to keep working on.
Thank you for reading.
!!!!Design, Production, Story, Music, Code by Francesco Imola
[[Here|Notebook Pictures]] are some pictures of the original notebooks where I've been writing this journal.
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Is it asking too much from myself? Along with the journal I need to meditate. I want to meditate. I need to get into the habit, but all this scares me. I hate habits — doing the same thing over and over.
Today I am going to clean this cabinet I found at the bottom of the stairs yesterday. I'll put my plant and some books on it. I still need to have breakfast.
-
A. says I should watch Bodyguard.
[[Tuesday 2nd October]]<<audio "pageturn" play>>
<span class="image">[img[Art1|../C20H21FN2O/image/journal_artworks/Black Journal_Page_06.jpg][Monday 8th October]]</span><<audio "pageturn" play>>
<span class="image">[img[Art1|../C20H21FN2O/image/journal_artworks/Black Journal_Page_10.jpg][Thursday 25th October]]</span><<audio "pageturn" play>>
<span class="image">[img[Art1|../C20H21FN2O/image/journal_artworks/Black Journal_Page_11.jpg][Thursday 25th October 2]]</span><<audio "pageturn" play>>
<span class="image">[img[Art1|../C20H21FN2O/image/journal_artworks/Black Journal_Page_14.jpg][Sunday 4th November]]</span>
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<span class="image">[img[Art1|../C20H21FN2O/image/journal_artworks/Black Journal_Page_01.jpg][Page02]]</span>
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<span class="image">[img[Art1|../C20H21FN2O/image/journal_artworks/Black Journal_Page_21.jpg][Page03]]</span><<audio "pageturn" play>>
<span class="image">[img[Art1|../C20H21FN2O/image/journal_artworks/Switch Off Your Brain Journal_Page_01.jpg][Page04]]</span>[[C20H21FN2O|Preface]]
!!!Francesco Imola<<cacheaudio "pageturn" "../C20H21FN2O/sound/inspectorj__book-flipping-through-pages.wav">><<audio "pageturn" play>>
<span class="image">[img[Art1|../C20H21FN2O/image/journal_artworks/Switch Off Your Brain Journal_Page_20.jpg][Intro]]</span><<audio "pageturn" play>>
<span class="image">[img[Art1|../C20H21FN2O/image/journal_artworks/Black Journal_Page_15.jpg][More/Conclusion]]</span>